Eyebrowgate is dead (Plus: FaBio wins a No-Prize)

While Winter slowly tic-a-tacs his way to a nice long post-TCA summary, I (the quicker typist) thought I would share a story with our gentle readers. In this tale, our hero, the redoubtable FaBio—mighty scribe who stands about yea high, hip-deep in fire and blood, chucking axes at the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune—pokes his nose behind the emerald curtain and boldly assails men with questions that lesser mortals fear to broach.

No, not the Emilia Clarke phone-number thing. That’s a whole different bucket of wax, my friends.

I speak instead of Eyebrowgate.

This tale will interest some of you; others will find it beneath their concerns, even petty, and to you I say these words: Move on, stalwarts! Move on, lest the chilling tale I have to tell rips your eyeballs from your skull sockets and forces you to devour them whole. You lesser beings! Flee from here!

I should set the scene. In the dim, darkened halls of the Langham Hotel in murky Pasadena, CA, following an intimate gathering of television journalists and lauded critics—a gathering that somehow had a lapse in security, seeing as how the dashing Winter and his trusted sidekick were invited to attend—Game of Thrones show-runners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss were cornered. Many questions had already been asked, yes, and many suitable answers had been given. And yet one niggling question remained.

I think Winter nearly facepalmed when I began, “So, about Dany’s eyebrows…”

Now understand, these are not men to be trifled with. Yes, D.B. is quiet, even unassuming, with an understanding—perhaps sympathetic—gaze. He has a pretty face, and was raised by his mother to be mindful of his manners. And yet clearly he is also the Batman, for he can disappear into the shadows as soon as you turn your back. He makes no noise unless he wills it. And one has to wonder where he gets all his wonderful toys.

David is a specter of another sort. He’s tall, angular, wraithlike. If I were casting the Super Friends movie (and obviously I am), David Benioff would be Hawkman, and his mace would have three-inch spikes. He has a beard cut so close and precise it’s menacing. But this man makes himself available to questions of all sorts. He is open, eager, friendly, fearless and unflinching and willing to be photographed and interviewed, and yet… and yet…

I won’t mince words; when you speak to him, you have his full attention. He looks right into your soul. And if the subject is a serious one (like Eyebrowgate) those eyes narrow ever so slightly. Considering. Weighing. Judging.

On the surface I stayed calm and collected, of course. But on the inside I was tremulous, keenly aware that this man could probably kill me with one flick of his hand. A part of me silently screamed, Flee, FaBio! Fly you fool!

But reason and a calm soul ruled my roost. If I did falter, Eyebrowgate would go unsolved. And my spirit would not rest well. I surged on. I posed the “coloring quandry”—and with it a solution!

Here was my pitch:

From what we have seen of the show thus far, Targaryen hair does not match Targaryen eyebrows. Generally speaking, eyebrows aren’t an issue; darker eyebrows are not so startling on a honey blonde, like Cersei, or on a sandy blonde like Jaime. But with their nearly white hair, the thick, dark eyebrows make it look as though the Targs are wearing wigs. Which we know is not the case, as this show is grounded in reality!

However, who is to say the dark eyebrows we see on Daenerys and Viserys are actually their natural color? There is already a fashion precedence set in Essos with Dothraki eye makeup, as we see Khal Drogo has opted for a dark patch of raccoon-inspired kohl around his eyes. So why not makeup for Targs? It’s true that lighter eyebrows make it harder to discern emotions. Might not there be some bold fashion statement where certain Targaryens decide to darken their eyebrows on purpose? What better way to show your subjects that you are displeased with them?

Some of the screen captures appear to display carefully crafted brows. What if—what if—part of Dany and Viserys’s daily “powdering” routine is the darkening of the eyebrows? Why, just one simple inserted scene of Viserys screeching, “Ive not yet finished my brows, you dolt!” would lay to rest every worry that weighs heavily upon that 0.001% of the Game of Thrones fandom (which coincidentally includes myself).

Certain pictures have shown the Targ siblings to have silver-tipped eyebrows. If they darkened their eyebrows with makeup, any extended day in the sun would threaten to slowly wear away the dark—causing the tips to lose their false coloring first, thus causing them to appear silver-tipped.

I posed this exotic idea to David and D.B. They exchanged a meaningful glance (which briefly I assumed meant “kill him”), and then David fixed me with that… measured gaze of his. Seconds seemed to stretch to hours.

“Okay,” he said. “You get the No-Prize.”

A No-Prize! Dude!

And so there it was. I had just fixed… the world.

(I eagerly await my No-Prize’s delivery, along with the X-Men poster I ordered from Marvel Comics back in 1986. Cost me fourteen bucks, plus shipping and handling. I can’t imagine it should be too much longer.)

…

On a serious note, D&D were pretty damned cool about such an inane topic. I would color them “bemused.” (At the very least they are well-informed. They know about Chairgate too. Now if only we had an equally brilliant fix to that…)

• Published on 01/08/2011 at 10:03 PM CDT
• Last updated on 10/20/2016 at 6:04 PM CDT