Looking Forward Season 4, Part 7: Lord Varys

“Hello my old friend.  It’s been a long time”

Don’t look now, but someone unabashedly dressed as Oz has returned.  For those of you that celebrate the annual ritual of dawning masks and face paint and dressing up like ghouls and goblins at the end of October, I come offering a treat on this fine fall day.

Since there are too damn many of you to pass out individually wrapped pieces of sugar-based concoctions that will surely melt your teeth, a man must resort to his writings as the proverbial olive branch.

And what better substitute on Halloween than a Spider?

Read on my fellow GoT fiends, but only if you dare.

Greetings from House Oz where a man has been enduring a few life-altering modifications that have consequently stunted the availability of writing opps.  My apologies.  It has been a long time indeed.

Let us not dwell in the past, for I am never far away.

Now, lets disclaim together, for on this post it could be more warranted than ever before.

Varys was not on my original list of topical characters to cover in this series.  Okay, in all honesty there never was such a list.  But, Varys would likely have not been added if not for some loud commenting voices asking for such (looking at you 3eyes and Jentario).

Apparently, watching the Unsullied non-book readers writhe in the unknown is more fun to some than others, and I always aim to please.

But Varys presents a different challenge than others.  He is, for lack of a better word, incalculable to many of the Unsullied.  The man has motives that may be better explained in the written verse, although I have no proof that they are.

Here is what we, the viewer, know:

• Varys made it all the way from the slums of Myr to sit at the small council table.
• He did so without a famous or powerful name or land or titles that accompany it.
• Varys is a eunuch.  Now that I mention it, there are quite a few of them in the world of GRRM….. Theon, The entire Unsullied army, I am sure there are others.  Why is manhood removal so popular in the world of Thrones?
• This unfortunate removal act was performed on Varys by a sorcerer who he was able to capture via Fed-Ex shipment during Ep. 4 of Season 3  (if it fits, it ships apparently).  Oh wait…. That’s USPS.
• Varys does not like magic or sorcery for the reasons mentioned above.
• Varys serves the realm as noted in his dungeon conversation with Ned Stark, and does not appear to be predisposed toward any particular house as of yet.  He simply serves the realm and whoever is in power.
• Varys is a former actor, a fact that Ned brought up when he said, “You learned their craft, and you learned it well.”

The Spider Speaks

A Few Favorite Spider Quotes (other than the one at the beginning of this post).

“Wisdom oft comes from the mouths of babes” –Spoken during Sansa’s plea for her fathers life to Joffrey.

“Actually I rather enjoy him.  But he would see this country burn if he could be king of the ashes.” –Spoken to the Queen of Thorns regarding Littlefinger

“Power resides where men believe it resides.  It’s a trick.  A shadow on the wall.” -Spoken to Tyrion regarding power.

“Oohh…. The Queen mustn’t know.  I love conversations that begin this way.”

“A man with ambition and no morals.  I wouldn’t bet against you.” –Spoken to Littlefinger from one of many memorable interactions between the two in the throne room.  Here are few more memorable ones between the two connivers:

“Do you lie awake at night fearing my gash?”

“The Lysa Arryn of chairs.  Shame you had to settle for your second choice.”

Alas, there are so many.  Add your own in the comments if the inclination strikes you.   A man digs all Varys quotes.

Spider Season

So what does our Lord of Whisperers have in store for Season 4?  An Unsullied man can only venture a guess, as the tools for educating have been banned from House Oz.

We all know that Varys has said that he serves the realm, but whom would he really like to see on the Iron Throne?  I truthfully don’t know if he is predisposed to anyone, but lets pretend he is and go for it.

Joffrey: The current little shit in power.  Nah.  Varys may be happy with his current situation, but deep down he knows that Joffrey is not likely to live long with the decisions he is making.  With that in mind, Varys starts looking for other possible replacements and whom he should align himself with in order to be able to continue serving the realm.

Tywin:  Maybe.  Although Joffrey is King, we are all aware of who is running the Kingdom right now.  That’s right, Paw Paw.  So as long as Joffrey is alive, there wouldn’t seemingly be much difference.  But should Joffrey die…..

Stannis: No.  Varys has made it clear that he does not like magic or sorcery and he considers Stannis to be under the power of the Red Priestess and the Lord of Light.  Varys even proclaimed how awful it would be to Tyrion before the battle of Blackwater.  But wouldn’t it be cool if he let the sorcerer out of the box to attack Melisandre?

Hodor:  Possibly.  Hodor would surely follow all of The Spider’s recommendations for the realm unless of course Littlefinger got to him first.  The again, Hodor may be as afraid of spiders as he is thunderstorms.

Theon: Very unlikely.  What happens when the non-existent bumps against the non-existent?  Not much.

Dany:  Quite Possibly.  We know that Varys is from across the narrow sea and he has been prone to mention Dany and the Dragons on multiple occasions.  But I see two problems with it…. 1.) Varys doesn’t like magic.  Does this include fire-breathing dragons?  And 2.) Varys has stated that he wants peace, and with Dany there would likely be a huge war before there was peace.

Tyrion: Yes.  Sure he has no apparent right to the throne, but hell who does these days?  The viewers were treated to decent amount of screen time between the Varys and Tyrion during Season 2, which led to a (spider) sense of mutual admiration.   King Tyrion… Far fetched?  Yes.  Out of the realm? No.

Renly: Yes.  But he is dead.  If you assume that Varys believes the rightful King should be a Baratheon, then Renly would have seemingly been a good fit for a spider.  But, oh yeah, he is dead.  By the way, if anyone dresses up as a shadow baby for Halloween, please send pics immediately (unless it is graphic pics of a couple of peeps reenacting the birthing).  If that is the case, keep it to yourself and hope that the authorities don’t ever search your hard drive.

Littlefinger:  Hell no.  But damn, it would be fun to watch.

Spider Scenarios

Of course, everything that Varys does or says typically depends on the action of others unless he is weaving a web of his own.  So, let’s throw some scenarios….

Joffrey and Margeary marries as planned: The Queen of Thorns and the Spider get drunk and visit the garden together for some “Spider Time”.  Upon conclusion, they are mutually happy that there is no reason to ever ask the philosophers about what would happen.

Littlefinger weds Lysa and they come back to King’s Landing as a couple:  Varys is obviously overjoyed that his best pal has returned and they give us another epic interaction in the throne room with Lysa watching, only this time Robin is hungry and Varys becomes aroused.  In a puff of smoke, Varys grows a set and subsequently starts a Eunuch’s Anonymous group which aids in regrowth.  (The Queen of Thorns comes back for seconds and exclaims, “Varys Growing Strong!”)

Wow, I am sick.

More suitably, if you do not like accepting responsibility (like me), we can always lay blame on the true culprits (again, Jent and 3 this is all your fault).

But in all Spider Seriousness, this is what concerns me: I enjoy Varys’ character so much that I am almost expecting to lose him soon.  It seems the more I begin enjoying a character, the more likely it is that he or she may meet their end sooner rather than later.

Those of you that follow me know that I am sucker for neurotic logic.  Dost thou recall the old saying, “loose lips sink ships”?  Varys talks.  A lot.  And I am beginning to wonder if Varys is talking too much and to the wrong people.

Littlefinger discovered what Ros was up to, and she paid the price courtesy of the Crossbow King.  Now, Varys has gone to Shae and attempted to run her out of town.  Was this of his own accord or did someone put him up to it?  Do we even know yet or is my brain leaving me in my ripe old middle age?

Either way, I think he may suffer some backlash from the Shae and the Spider conversation (look…. another Disney spin-off!!).

Then again, we are talking about a Spider who manages to spin the web around anything that comes around him.  Perhaps he will be just fine and I am merely grasping at straws to make off-season conversation.  But I must admit that this show has turned a reasonable optimist into an eternal pessimist.   For all I know, I am next.  Hell, you might be.  I typically like to leave you with a dose of glad tidings, but you will get no such luxury on a day full of hauntings.  So with that said, Trick or Treat em eff’s!

OK…. That’s it for me today kiddos!  Happy Halloween if that is your thing.  Hope I brought you a treat you will never forget.  Don’t forget to post your pics, especially if you dress up like Kentucky Fried Kraznys.

Couple of personal notes:

I have somehow convinced 10 people on a Board of Directors that I am the right man for a particular job, so if you see a little less of me it is simply because real life has gotten in the way and a man must pay his debts.  It’s not because I don’t love you.

And for those few of you who wished me a Happy Birthday last week, many thanks.  I am not worthy of your kindness.  Older is supposed to equal wiser.  It doesn’t.

Remember…. I am Unsullied, and there are other haunted Unsullieds lurking.  Please, no spoilers on this post.  Say hello, or trick or treat, or something witty.  But NO SPOILERS, for spoilers are scary.

Be safe, don’t bite the hard candy, and may there always be peace in your realm. –Oz

“Unbowed.  Unbent.  Unsullied.”

The Series

Looking Forward Season 4, Part 1: Lysafinger

Looking Forward Season 4, Part 2: Stannis

Looking Forward Season 4, Part 3: The North Remembers

Looking Forward Season 4, Part 4: Bolton

Looking Forward Season 4, Part 5: Daenerys

Looking Forward Season 4, Part 6: The Stark and The Hound

Halloween Bonus: I did this for the Ozlings last night.  Yes, I realize it’s not the sigil.  But close enough, yes?  Oh well, the kids were happy.  Happy Haunting!

• Published on 10/31/2013 at 2:39 PM CDT
• Last updated on 10/31/2013 at 2:39 PM CDT