Looking Forward, Game of Thrones Ep. 404 and Matches Made in Hell

Ahoy to all who serve the God of Controversy.  This week was just plain-ass bizarre in comparison to what I thought would be a relatively normal (by Thrones standards) Monday morning recap.  Instead, I walked in on a party that had morphed into a head-smashing, all-out blurb of chaos.

Most of the Unsullied did not understand the fallout of the Jaime/Cersei debacle other than the obvious “rape depicted on television” justifiable level of discomfort. But I was later treated to the underlying issue (non-spoilery version), and can understand the associated disdain.

However, the Deity of Debate must be exhausted, so let’s give the old girl a break and look at what may be upcoming this week, sprinkled with some Westeros matchmaking at it’s worst.

With all the unlikely wedding matches that have been planned in the recent past, some of which have actually come to pass (Tyrion/Sansa) and some that have not (Loras/Cersei), I thought it might be interesting to create a few of my own and speculate as to the outcome, as horrid as it may be.

So enjoy… or don’t.  I can’t decide which.  But by all means, if you have some ideas for WesterosMatch.com, then please do share below.  They can’t be as bad as these.

Couple: The Hound and Brienne of Tarth

New House Words: Since both of the houses words are unknown, we have to be creative.  Maybe “What the fuck’s a Tarth?”

In Common: Both are outlandishly big, know how to swing a sword, at some point have protected a king, and seem to have a soft spot for the Stark girls.

Uncommon: One is selfish and says fuck the King. One is unselfish and saw a king get fucked.

Outcome:  Relations are good at first.  Brienne wants to adopt Sansa and Arya but the Hound objects and trades them for coin to Aunt Lysa.  A litter of blond-haired puppies follows, but the joy is short lived when Brienne realizes the relationship won’t work as the Hound constantly shits in the yard and is unwilling to scoop up after himself.

Couple:  Pycelle and Olenna

New House Words:  “Growing Older” or “All Men Must Smell Like Dead Cats”

In Common:  Close proximity in age. 

Uncommon:  Pretty much everything else. 

Outcome:  What happens with the decrepit bumps against the near decrepit?

Couple:  Lysa and Littlefinger (actual plan)

New House Words:   “As High as a Mockingbird”

In Common:  From the same area; Lysa is related to the now-deceased love of Baelish’s life, Catelyn (or as Baelish likely sees it, “close enough”); both have interest in the Stark girls.

Uncommon:  Baelish is full of shit and Lysa doesn’t take any shit.

Outcome:  Unknown.  Petyr has been plotting and scheming on a boat for five episodes and Lysa… well, I’ll stop.

Couple (threesome): Loras, Cersei, and Oberyn

New House Words: “Unbowed.  Unbent.  Unrelated.”

Merger:  This could actually work assuming polygamy is ok in Westeros (because hell, what isn’t?).  After the Sept encounter, Cersei severs all future love interests with Jaime.  Tywin gets the Loras/Cersei nuptials that secure the Reach and as a bonus gets Oberyn/Cersei that secures Dorne (assuming Doran doesn’t survive the gout).

Merger Issue: Ellaria gets jealous and Cersei continues to pester her for being a bastard.  Then, Lancel reappears and shows interest in joining the fold with all five of them in an attempt to make a revised and even larger “Lancel Sandwich”.  As a result, the last word of the “new house words” has to be deleted.

Couple: Dany and Ramsay

New House Words: “Fire and Flayed”

In Common:  One likes burning.  The other likes flaying.  This could be seen as a commonality to some, I guess.

Uncommon:  One likes to free slaves.  The other likes to make them.

Outcome:  Ramsay has fun riding and playing chase with the dragons for about a week before attempting to see if the mother of dragons can be flayed since she can’t be burned.  This doesn’t sit well with Drogon who torches Ramsay’s ass, then Roose and Fat Walda, then the whole Dreadfort.  Dany takes over the North, gets into a battle with the White Walkers (Ice and Fire) that is not shown on screen, and the show abruptly ends without resolve and the end of S6.  D&D laugh at the book readers as they cringe because of the differences in the book and the Unsullied all smash their televisions in unison while GRRM laughs his ass all the way to the bank and is forced into witness protection.

Sorry… got a little off track with that last one.  But at this point, I believe anything to be possible with the exception of Dany ever marrying Ramsay.

Let’s move on!

Episode 404

The episode looks heavy on some Jon Snow judging by the pics,  In the vid, we quickly get a glimpse of Karl who is apparently still hanging out with all of Craster’s daughters/lovers/wives at the Keep and I’m curious to see if Rast is still there too.

It seems like nothing ever good happens at the Keep, but it appears that Jon and the boys are about to head that way.  The last time we were there, quite a few unexpected people met their end including the Old Bear and Craster himself.  Will this be another blood bath?

There are also a couple of pics depicting Bran and Hodor, which hopefully means we get some answers on Bran’s vision by the tree.  No Jojen or Meera are shown, but we know they are still around as a new band has been formed (and bands don’t break up).

Here is a shout out to Vega @14051982 who read the Oz Unsullied recap and came up with this, complete with tour dates on the back: #hodorandthereeds

Nice.

Dany and the Boys are still at Meereen where it looks like the slaves are taking their revenge on the owners.  “Kill the Masters” can be read on the wall before one of them is bum-rushed in an alley.  Is the situation out of control?

Littlefinger and Sansa are shown having a chat below deck where LF seems to imply that Sansa had something to do with Joff’s early demise.  I think I know what this means, but Sansa doesn’t appear to.  And where are they going?  Baelish says they are “sailing home” which I assume means North.  I know where I hope their destination is, but don’t worry… I will not speak her name again, at least today.

And finally Jaime and Cersei… you can’t read much from a 4 second clip from a preview, but Cersei asks Jaime to bring her the head of Sansa.  I realize that Cersei believes that Sansa had something to do with the murder, but the two primary questions I have are, 1.  Is this an opportunity for Cersei to get Jaime back out of the capital because she can’t stand to see his face due to the events in the Sept and to put even more space between them? And 2. Would Jaime even leave considering he just got back and that his brother is about to go on trial?

My guess on #2 is no.  And #1 is a question for the philosophers.  We will find out soon enough, and the God of Controversy will be awoken once again.  May she have mercy on us all.

Alright kiddos… a man is out.  I hope you enjoyed this entry of “Wishing Away the Weekend” with Oz.  I can be found the in the birdverse @ozofthrones if you find yourself so inclined.

What do you guys want to see this episode?  Comment below, one and all, BUT NO SPOILERS HERE.  We are the Unsullied, and you know the rule.  Be respectful of the show-viewers.  Yes, we know nothing, but at least we give a damn.

I’ll see you early Monday morning U.S. time for another Unsullied Recap.  Until then, have a great weekend and may there always be peace in your realm.  –Oz

“Unbowed. Unbent. Unsullied.”

• Published on 04/26/2014 at 11:09 AM CDT
• Last updated on 10/21/2016 at 12:42 PM CDT