Unsullied Recap—Game of Thrones, Episode 501—The Wars to Come

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Doesn’t this show remind you of every daytime soap opera you’ve ever watched? It’s trashy TV with a medieval twist, no wonder the ratings are so high. I mean, take the recap of past events: Joffrey’s death (“Sweet Victory” plays in background), Petyr “Humbert Humbert” Baelish mackin’ on my queen Sansa, Oberyn’s death (because who doesn’t want to relive that?), Daenerys shutting her scaly babies up in the catacombs, and Tyrion’s double homicide.

All My Children, eat your heart out.

This year kicks off with a flashback of young Cersei, and you know from the outset it’s her because Little Cersei here has perfect curls and great posture, so who else could it be? No surprise, since if there’s anything this show always gets right, it’s the casting. Anyway, Little Cersei and her unnamed friend are traipsing through the forest, and the whole thing has this dark fairytale/Tim Burton vibe, although we know it’s not Tim Burton because Johnny Depp never shows up. But we do meet a woodland witch doctor whose eye makeup does envy that of Helena Bonham Carter’s, so that’s something.

Little Cersei, however, is unimpressed. She calls the witch doctor “boring,” and she is rather ordinary-looking, but in its own way that’s scarier than if D&D had opted for a toothless, saggy old thing with frizzy hair and a walking stick. Besides, the witch doctor then proceeds to suck Little Cersei’s blood out of a self-inflicted cut so as to tell her fortune, so I think that’s creepy enough.

The witch doctor tells Little Cersei three things: One, she will be queen (check). Two, a la Snow White, a younger, more beautiful queen will come along and take all that she holds dear (not quite check, but we can speculate on who that is). And three, all her children will die (also not quite check, but we’re getting there).

Fast-forward to Tywin’s funeral. While Cersei and Jaime stand over their father’s corpse, Jaime warns her that their enemies are really going to revolt against them now that Twyin’s gone, but Cersei turns a deaf ear to him. The only enemy she’s concerned with now is Tyrion, so I think it’s pretty safe to say that Cersei is losing sight of what she should be paying attention to, considering Tyrion has skipped town. Meanwhile, there are plenty of people right there in King’s Landing who have a beef with the medieval Dollanganger siblings here.

Take her cousin and former lover Lancel, for instance. He shows up in a nondescript robe with all his hair cut off, talking about how he led Cersei into sin while committing his own by getting Robert Baratheon drunk on his boar hunt way back in Season 1. Apparently he’s joined the Sparrows, which, judging by the ugly clothes and boring haircut, is probably some kind of religious cult. Nothing good can come from a cult, so my guess is that Lancel’s up to something. It’s possible I’m overreacting, but Lancel’s newfound way of speaking, not to mention his apparent inability to blink like a normal person, put me just a bit on edge.

Even if I’m wrong, Cersei still has the Tyrells to worry about. Margaery puts the moves on Tommen during Twyin’s funeral, and later she interrupts Loras’s tryst with Calvin Klein model Olyvar and makes some cryptic comments about how she might not have to deal with Cersei much longer. I can’t tell if that means Margaery’s going to kill her, or just hightail it out of King’s Landing like Tyrion did.

Speaking of Tyrion, we meet our favorite drunk and disorderly kinslayer at Magister Illyrio’s house in Pentos, where he and Varys are plotting the “Targaryen restoration.” Or, at least, Varys is plotting while Tyrion laments, vomits, and self-medicates on wine.

Leave it to Varys to talk someone into doing something. It’s just a matter of saying the right thing – Tyrion’s “compassionate” and has an “instinct for politics.” He’d be an invaluable asset in getting the right person on the Iron Throne, and the right person is indeed out there. When Tyrion remains unconvinced, Varys sums up both their situation as well as the general theme of the show they’re in: “Perhaps we’ve grown so used to horror, we assume there’s no other way.” And so Tyrion agrees to accompany Varys to Meereen and Daenerys Targaryen.

But it’s not all sunshine and daisies for the Mother of Dragons. One of her Unsullied gets his throat slit while cuddling with a whore—a scene that was strange enough without the sudden blood gush, thank you very much, Sons of the Harpy, whoever you are. The only information we’re privy to is that they wear gold masks straight out of a horror movie, and now Daenerys wants revenge on them, too. Meanwhile, Missandei asks Grey Worm what an Unsullied would want from a brothel, he’s shady about it, and I still don’t care about their blossoming romance.

The goings-on in Meereen continue with the return of Daario Naharis & Co., who bring news that the formerly dissatisfied residents of Yunkai are willing to compromise with Daenerys if she agrees to reopen the fighting pits. While she puts her foot down because she doesn’t condone “human cockfighting,” later it seems that Daario might be able to change her mind. Which is only slightly irksome, because the more I see Pretty Boy Daario, the more I am reminded that Handsomest Man On the Planet Ser Jorah is still MIA, but I digress…

On Daario’s insistence, Daenerys ends up back at the catacombs to check in on Viserion and Rhaegal, who prove to be just as temperamental as the still-missing Drogon. Between this and her Unsullied’s open throats, Daenerys is going to run out of an army, and I am done betting on how this series is going to end.

My frustrations are abated with the appearance of my queen Sansa Stark. SCORE. Seemingly pissed off about something, she sits demurely while Petyr and Lord Royce discuss Robin Arryn’s relative uselessness. A messenger boy brings Petyr a scroll, which he reads, exchanges a look with Sansa, and the pair are on their way to untold adventures, leaving Robin behind to hone his skills with Lord Royce.

Pan over to Brienne and Pod, who both seem at a loss as to what to do next, as they’ve lost Arya and can’t find Sansa. Cue the return of my frustration as a carriage passes them by, and—lo and behold—Sansa and Petyr are its passengers. GOD. Anyway, who knows where they’re off to, as Petyr says they’re going somewhere not even Cersei Lannister can get her hands on them. Does such a place even exist?

The Wall, perhaps, but I can’t imagine Sansa would be allowed to take the black, nor would Petyr relinquish his hold on her like that. Nevertheless, the Wall begs our attention, so on we trot.

Stannis & Friends have set up camp with the Night’s Watch, and I’m sure Melisandre’s throwing all those boys into a frenzy. She’s already checking out Jon Snow, asks if he’s a virgin, and says “Good” upon learning that he’s not, presumably because Melisandre is done messin’ with boys and could use herself a man. Or who knows, really, since the Red Woman’s motives are nothing if not mysterious.

Stannis, however, is more upfront with Jon—he wants Mance Rayder to swear fealty and offer up the wildings to march in his army so he can take Winterfell. If Mance refuses, then they’ll set him on fire because apparently that’s just what Stannis is about now.

Predictably, Mance refuses to bend the knee and hand his people over to someone else’s war. You’ve got moxy, Mance Rayder, so naturally you get barbequed. The scene itself is powerful, concentrating primarily on Mance’s gaze on the wildlings as he slowly burns to death. And just before he starts to scream, dying the way he didn’t want to, Jon mercy kills him with a bow and arrow. It’s unclear whether or not Stannis is cool with it—my guess is not, but maybe he appreciates Jon’s moxy the way he didn’t Mance’s. Stannis has proven himself to be kind of a drama queen, so I’m sure we’ll find out.

As it turns out, “The Wars to Come” is a perfectly apt title for this season’s opener, which once again plots out future events without doing much as a stand-alone episode. I have to admit, I was underwhelmed—not disappointed, though, because Game of Thrones is all about setting up for the bigger picture. We can’t expect to get it all at once.

What did my fellow Unsullieds think? Is Daenerys in over her head, or can Varys and Tyrion get her back on track? Where are Petyr and Sansa off to, and what will they do there besides hide from Cersei? What are Melisandre’s plans for Ned Stark’s bastard? Who are the Sons of the Harpy and the Sparrows, and why are their outfits so unfortunate?

Remember – no book spoilers here! Feel free to discuss the episode in the comments or Tweet me @kitmaj_, but don’t ruin any surprises for the viewers who haven’t read the books. Thanks, and see you next week!

• Published on 04/13/2015 at 1:04 AM CDT
• Last updated on 10/21/2016 at 1:05 PM CDT