Unsullied Recap – Game of Thrones, Episode 503 – High Sparrow

Spoiler note: “A girl says nothing. A girl keeps her mouth closed. No one hears.” -Girls, boys, and others alike, Jaqen H’ghar has spoken, so please remember: This recap is primarily for non-book readers (book fans can discuss the show here). If you’re a book reader, please avoid posting any spoilers here so as not to ruin the fun for those who don’t know what’s coming next. Thank you!

Aaaand we’re in!

The interior of the House of Black and White is creepy as hell – built entirely of stone and a dearth of natural light, it’s a veritable funhouse of nightmarish gargoyles and built-in fire pits, the latter of which would likely inspire a lively rendition of “Kumbaya” if the House were occupied by smartasses. Thank god it’s not. Rather, we’ve got Jaqen H’ghar sitting beside a pool in the floor, accompanied by some guy who accepts Jaqen’s offer of water; it’s all strangely menacing and biblical, perhaps because Jaqen reminds me a little bit of White Jesus. Not as much as Jared Leto, but the resemblance remains.

Arya isn’t as grateful to Our Lord and Savior Jaqen H’ghar as that other guy is, though. She’s just been sweeping the floor for days, a chore with which she is officially fed up, and who can blame her? That stone floor doesn’t look easy to maintain. Jaqen tells her to pump the breaks because she’s self-involved and needs to learn to serve the Many-Faced god—as if we needed another divinity to keep track of, this series is worse than an epic Greek poem as it is. When Arya, like the rest of us, demands to know who the Many-Faced god is, Jaqen replies, “There is only one god. A girl knows his name.”

GIRL, I do know his name, and it is Death. We haven’t heard this quote alluded to by anyone but Arya in quite some time. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here but, look, I’ve harbored an obsession with Syrio Forel ever since Miltos Yerolemou waltzed on-screen back in Season 1. I refuse to believe he met Death at the hands of an imbecile like Meryn Trant, and can only hope he’s water-dancing somewhere around Braavos. It’s a thin hope, but I’ll take it.

Later, Arya has a confrontation with this girl who looks like busted Kimmy Gibbler, who just starts wailing on Arya for no discernible reason. Jaqen comes to the rescue, but he makes Arya feel bad for being Arya instead of making like Odysseus and becoming “no one.” So she tosses her belongings into the sea and, unable to do the same with Needle, hides the sword away in a pile of rocks.

What really kills me here is that Arya is nearly driven to tears, which isn’t something Arya does. She doesn’t cry for her family, she can kill a man without blinking, but strip away the last vestiges of who she is, and her stony exterior cracks. After everything she’s endured the past four seasons, I guess it had to happen sometime; right now she is still Arya Stark, but it’s time she gives that up. Talk about your existential crisis. But all the same Arya picks her broom back up and then she helps busted Kimmy Gibbler give a sponge bath to some dead guy. Arya’s “What do we do with them after we wash them?” goes unanswered, and the heebie-jeebies are upon me.

Not everyone is getting berated by White Jesus and whipped by sitcom stars. No, King Tommen is just hanging out in post-coital ecstasy with his new queen, Margaery, but she’s gotten her jollies and now it’s time to convince Tommen to send Cersei back to Casterly Rock. Like it’s going to be that easy. Tommen’s a sweetheart and everything, but he’s pretty tactless, so naturally Cersei finds out and she and Margaery have a little tête-à-tête that I was sure would devolve into a catfight. Shade was being thrown so hard. King’s Landing has turned into medieval Mean Girls, which would be awesome if I wasn’t convinced everyone is going to die. Place your bets for Spring Fling Survivor, folks.

King’s Landing isn’t focused entirely on Cersei and Margaery’s political maneuvering, though. Just when you thought HBO was cutting back on the nudity, we’re back in the brothel with the High Septon and his choice of ladies. Not that it lasts long, since Lancel and the Self-Righteous Brigade show up, manhandle the High Septon, and march him naked through the streets. I’m sort of surprised that they didn’t end up killing him, which allows the Septon to confront Cersei about the Sparrows’ activities. Intrigued, Cersei heads out to see about the leader, this so-called High Sparrow, who’s running his own little soup kitchen and acting a little more courteous than I’d expect of a man whose followers roughhouse naked men. Cersei ultimately forges some sort of alliance with the High Sparrow, and I’m not really sure what her game is here, but Cersei always has at least the notion of a plan up her sleeve.

But it’s not time for us to be privy to that plan, so instead we’re treated to a visit to Maester Frankenstein’s lair. Not much of note happens here, but since Maester Frankenstein’s monster jerks violently beneath its sheet, I thought it was worth mentioning. What is going on under there? It’s a huge sheet, so my bet’s on Ser Gregor, and I’m sure the only thing worse than the Mountain is the Mountain: Zombie Edition.

Up in the North, we the viewers and Sansa finally find out where she and Petyr are headed—Winterfell, where Petyr has arranged her marriage to Ramsay Bolton, news of which has Sansa totally buggin’, natch. Since Ramsay is basically Joffrey 2.0, I’m none too happy, either, but nevertheless moved to tears at Sansa’s quick succession of refusal, understanding, and acceptance. It’s difficult for me to recap this scene, as there is less to be said about Petyr and Sansa’s dialogue, and more about Sansa’s silence as she looks over the hills at Moat Cailin after Petyr has said his piece. From start to finish it is truly moving to watch as Sansa’s resolve is once again steeled, and the promise of vengeance looms ever nearer.

Now that I’ve waxed poetic on the sentimentality of this ordeal, we can look more pragmatically at the logic of the scheme. There’s a lot to unpack here, so bear with me: 1) Why would the Boltons, who have an alliance with the Lannisters, forge another through a marriage to a Stark? 2) Why would they bother with such a pairing now that they already have Winterfell? 3) In any case, how can Sansa marry someone else when she’s already Tyrion’s wife?

Fortunately our questions are answered: 1) Now that Tywin is dead, Roose acknowledges that the remaining Lannisters won’t care to help them keep the North, and that the Boltons’ power is attributed to their alliances with powerful names. (And let’s be honest – the only Lannister who cares about getting their hands on Sansa is Cersei, and I don’t imagine Roose or Ramsay take women seriously, certainly not enough to deem them a threat.) 2) The Northerners have no love for or faith in these usurpers, as their loyalty remains to the Starks, and so a marriage to one will allow the Boltons to legitimize their claim. 3) As Petyr tells Roose, Sansa and Tyrion’s marriage was not consummated, and as such the union is pretty much nonexistent. The whole consummation argument seems rather weak to me, but it was established last season: After Joffrey’s wedding and death, Olenna tells Margaery that she’s more a queen than she was before, but less so than if Joffrey had gotten horizontal with her instead of horizontal in the ground. So I guess by Westerosi standards, Sansa is single and ready to mingle.

Ramsay does seem to like her, though. After Sansa somehow manages to repress the urge to bitch-slap Roose Bolton back into the South, Ramsay approaches, all bashful smiles and goo-goo eyes. He also declares to Petyr that he’ll “never hurt her,” all the while painting the picture of sincerity. Not that I trust Ramsay as far as I could throw him (which would be not at all, as my upper body strength is laughable at best), but this could be… an interesting development? It’s hard to say until we have all the information. Myranda’s totally pissed, though, and since her jealousy resulted in another girl’s death not too long ago (remember the dog chase through the woods?), things are once again looking grim. Not that Sansa doesn’t have allies, as the entire North continues to resist the Boltons’ hold, and an old woman at Winterfell says to her, “Welcome home, Lady Stark. The North remembers.” Which is a rather bold move, all things considered, and so I will now be forming a fan club for this old broad (suggestions for a club name are appreciated).

Pod and Brienne are still hot on Sansa’s heels, but as they can’t go through Moat Cailin, they take the long way around and have a heart-to-heart. We learn that way back in the day Renly Baratheon treated Brienne like a lady while the other boys mocked her, so really it’s no wonder she fell in love with him. He regarded her as a human when she was dehumanized, which, as we all know, is the actual formula for Love Potion #9. Whatever, I would have fallen hard for him, too. It might seem like superfluous information at this point, but I think it’s important that we gain some insight into Brienne’s guilt over Renly’s death—because he’d saved her, and she had failed to do the same. It says a lot about Brienne’s determination to protect those to whom she’s loyal.

Even farther north, at the Wall, Jon and Stannis have words because Jon totally dissed Stannis by accepting the Lord Commander position instead of becoming a Stark and Stannis’ errand boy. When Stannis has had enough of Jon’s lip, he leaves, but Davos sticks around to tell Jon that Stannis “sees something” in him. Which is kind of a ’90s teen movie moment—you know, in the non-romantic subplot when the adolescent boy’s father expresses disappointment in his son, but it’s only because he wants the best for the stupid kid. I’m interested to see where this Jon/Stannis bond is going.

There’s certainly a little bit of light shed on their burgeoning relationship later. After Jon makes some jokes about latrines and gingers, he appoints Alliser Thorne First Ranger, which is pretty decent and level-headed of him, considering the fact that Thorne spent much of the last few seasons trying to ruin Jon’s life. Jon then assigns Janos Slynt to some place called Grayguard, which I don’t recall hearing about, and perhaps that’s why Janos gets so butthurt about it. He’s seriously and probably unnecessarily offended, gets mouthy, and it doesn’t take Jon long to put his foot down and cut Janos’s useless head off. It is so incredibly satisfying that even Stannis appears impressed. I guess the “something” he sees in Jon is his capability of being a stone cold killa, and—more importantly—a true leader who doesn’t suffer fools.

Across the Narrow Sea, Varys and Tyrion venture onto the streets of Volantis, where Tyrion shares a seemingly significant look with some preachy broad on the streets. It turns out she’s a Red Priestess like Melisandre, only she’s not singing Stannis’ praises, but rather names Daenerys as their savior. I’m not sure what’s going on with the staring match between the priestess and Tyrion, but it goes on so long I thought maybe Catherine Hardwicke choreographed it.

Whatever that was about, Tyrion keeps his mouth shut and drags Varys to a brothel, where they happen to run into a Daenerys lookalike, right down to that old blue dress (which is weird because how would any of the prostitutes know about the dress Dany wears almost exclusively throughout Season 3? So that was pretty ridiculous). And then, the moment we’ve all been girding our loins for… HANDSOMEST MAN ON THE PLANET SER JORAH HAS RETURNED. He’s certainly not enjoying himself, and I don’t really know what he’s doing in this particular brothel, since the whole Daenerys roleplay thing only seems to piss him off. I’d write it off as his desire for Dany, but it looks like he wants to kill someone the whole time. I kind of thought he was going to cause a scene, but instead he follows Tyrion outside and kidnaps him. Dude was just trying to pee and now he’s tied up and in the handsomest of hands, although I suspect Tyrion doesn’t care about that, since Jorah’s all, “I’m taking you to the Queen.” The only queen Tyrion knows is Cersei, and for a second there that was my conclusion, too, until I realized Jorah’s queen is Daenerys. I can’t say for sure, but we’ll probably find out next week (possibly later, but Tyrion manages to crop up in most episodes).

So, fellow Unsullied, what do you think? Whose mercy will Tyrion have to beg? Can we trust Ramsay, or is his sincere face a front to avoid trouble with Petyr Baelish? What’s happening with the sponge baths at the House of Black and White? Will Jon and Stannis’ dynamic become more amicable now that Jon has proven his worth as Lord Commander? What reanimated body parts are under Maester Frankenstein’s sheet? And what are we going to call the fan club for that totally rad woman at Winterfell?

Remember – speculation is encouraged, spoilers aren’t! Please refrain from posting book spoilers here! Feel free to discuss the episode in the comments or Tweet me @kitmaj_, but don’t ruin any surprises for the viewers who haven’t read the books. Thanks, and see you next week!

• Published on 04/27/2015 at 12:13 AM CDT
• Last updated on 10/21/2016 at 1:05 PM CDT