Unsullied Recap—Episode 504—Sons of the Harpy

Spoiler note: “A girl says nothing. A girl keeps her mouth closed. No one hears.” -Girls, boys, and others alike, Jaqen H’ghar has spoken, so please remember: This recap is primarily for non-book readers (book fans can discuss the show here). If you’re a book reader, please avoid posting any spoilers here so as not to ruin the fun for those who don’t know what’s coming next. Thank you!

We start Episode 4 where we left off last week, with Jorah and Tyrion, the former of whom sucker-punches this John Doe, throws some money at his unconscious body, and steals his boat. A promising beginning.

Handsomest Man On the Planet Ser Jorah mans the boat, sending all of our libidos aflutter, and he clears up that little misunderstanding from the previous episode: he is, in fact, taking Tyrion to Daenerys. Tyrion identifies Jorah by his breastplate, summarizes his predicament as well as Jorah’s reasoning for kidnapping him, and he’d probably keep talking but then Jorah’s all, “That’s enough of your lip,” and just smacks him right across the face. Considering how often Tyrion used to smack Joffrey around, I guess he had one coming back to him (although I think we can all agree that Joffrey didn’t get hit often enough). Not to mention, you simply can’t have the combined aesthetic pleasure of Iain Glen and Peter Dinklage confined to one little boat without tensions rising—it’s just too much handsome.

On another, larger ship, Bronn and Jaime are making their way to Dorne. Their basic plan is to waltz into Sunspear without any raised sails, fanfare, or any other indication of their arrival, as Jaime doesn’t want to start a war. Bronn still warns him that the Dornish are totally whackadoodle and will probably kill them anyway. Personally I’d say the Dornish are less “crazy” and more “to the point,” but that’s just my perspective.

We learn that while Jaime doesn’t believe Tyrion had any say in Joffrey’s death, he can’t deny that Tyrion murdered their father—in fact, Jaime swears vengeance against his brother for doing so. Sucks for Tyrion now that both of his siblings are after his head. Honestly, I was pretty surprised by Jaime’s newfound bloodlust. Don’t get me wrong, because I know Tywin was his father and all this makes Tyrion a kinslayer, but isn’t there some part of Jaime that’s relieved? Tywin wasn’t exactly #1 Dad. Sure, at the end of the day, family’s still family, but the Lannisters’ relationships with each other can’t be simplified like that (indeed, no relationship on Game of Thrones really swings that way). Then again, death tends to make us all more emotional but, regardless, color me shocked by that one.

After washing ashore on one of Dorne’s many fabulous beaches, Jaime and Bronn run into some trouble in the form of four guys on horses. To hide their identities, Bronn introduces himself and Jaime as Cooper and—correct me if I’m mistaken—Darnell, which threw me into a fit of giggles the likes of which I’ve never known. It was just so bromantic comedy. Until all the killing got under way, but you know what I mean. Anyway, Jaime and Bronn got off just fine, so we’ve got that sliver of a happy ending going for us.

Jaime and Bronn’s adventures are really turning into a buddy comedy all their own, though, aren’t they? They learn a little about each other, tell some jokes, make some quips, hang out on the beach, tag-team a few murders…Look, if they can make a trilogy out of The Hangover, I think Bronn and Jaime’s trip to Dorne pretty much writes itself.

Our boys aren’t the only ones beachside—Ellaria and the Dornish Charlie’s Angels have set up camp on some sandy shore as well. Our first glimpse of the Sand Snakes is painfully short, but Nym is an ace with that whip, and Obara has some mad game with that spear, so I’m excited to see what Tyene can do. Since they’re all following Ellaria’s lead in taking vengeance against the Lannisters, I’m sure we’ll see Tyene bust out her own weapon soon enough. Any chance it’s a bazooka, or is that just wishful thinking? Ah, well.

Up in King’s Landing, the Small Council discusses the crown’s massive debt to the Iron Bank, which is reminiscent of my own conversations with Wells Fargo’s student loan department. Cersei sends newly appointed Master of Coin Mace Tyrell to discuss the issue with the Iron Bank personally, along with bodyguard and professional imbecile Meryn Trant. Although the pointed look Trant shares with Cersei seems to suggest he’ll be a little less bodyguard and a little more accidentally-on-purpose-slit-Mace’s-throat. This is purely speculation on my part, but it makes me wonder what the point of offing Mace Tyrell would be? I mean, he’s kind of dense and pretty harmless. I suppose Cersei would still see him as an enemy and therefore a threat, so…off you go, Mace. We can only hope that while in Braavos, Meryn Trant runs into a certain little lady with a certain little list.

After Cersei seemingly signs Mace Tyrell’s death warrant, she gets together with the High Sparrow to grant him the sort of power and responsibility she just bestowed upon Meryn Trant. She offers to reinstate a sort of religious police force, the Faith Militant, who would be at the High Sparrow’s beck and call. Bad move, Cersei. At first glance the High Sparrow doesn’t look like much, but when you give a guy with that much influence a band of misfits known for violence? You’re gonna have a bad time. It seems all Cersei’s efforts are honed in on the Tyrells’ destruction, but what about her own sins? Does she really think she’ll be safe from the High Sparrow’s holy wrath? Come on, Cersei—you’ve been around too long for that kind of naivete.

Ready or not, here the Faith Militant come. Not far from the Red Keep, they’re wreaking havoc, bustin’ barrels of wine, ransacking a brothel, and generally making an ass out of themselves while Lancel’s getting some symbol carved into his forehead, which is disgusting. My grandma says if you’re going to get a face tattoo, it might as well say “I am a fool” across your forehead. But I guess in Lancel’s case that’s always been obvious enough, so instead he goes with what I can only assume is some kind of symbol of the occult. Or it’s the symbol of the Faith Militant. Tomato, tomahto.

Whatever their proper title, they bombard the darling Ser Loras and arrest him because, according to Lancel Batman Lannister, it’s “justice.” Enter Margaery and Cersei, who continue to emotionally manipulate Tommen in two different directions. Poor kid, although you can’t fault Margaery’s love for and loyalty to her brother, and Cersei’s just being herself. Not that any of that helps Tommen, whose attempts to speak to the High Sparrow are thwarted, and his sense of self is threatened by all those people hissing “bastard” at him.

You know, I never expected to care much about Tommen, but I feel for him. He wants to be a good king, but he doesn’t seem to have any real instincts for the job, nor does he have any reliable advisers or true friends. As the old witch doctor predicted in Episode 1, I’m betting Tommen’s gold shroud is coming any day now.

Up at the Wall, Jon Snow seems to be having a better time taking command. Stannis is certainly impressed with his prowess, and Melisandre is feelin’ his vibe, too, as demonstrated by her sexual advances. Melisandre puts her legendary moves on Jon, busting out her fantastic body while she spouts some heteronormative schtick about straight people sex. But Jon’s having none of it because he’s still in love with Ygritte, which is pretty romantic. Melisandre gets understandably miffed and tells him, “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” which is… weird, to say the least. Is this supposed to be an indication that Melisandre isn’t totally full of it, or are we just supposed to be sad about Ygritte some more?

The mystery lives on as the next scene focuses on Stannis and Shireen as they talk about her grayscale and have the kind of father-daughter moment that Full House always failed at spectacularly. It turns out Shireen was infected with grayscale by a Dornish trader’s doll that Stannis bought for her. So it would seem that Stannis feels mondo guilty about inadvertently infecting his only child but, man, is he a stellar dad or what? Not once did he even entertain the notion of giving up on her, and he’s always proudly claimed her as the princess of House Baratheon and his daughter. In a series full of dysfunctional families, I gotta say, this scene is more touching than anything ABC Family could muck up. It was so emotionally significant, I loved it, so Shireen is probably going to end up dying this season or something. Just my luck.

Down the long and winding road from the Wall to Winterfell, Sansa is visiting the family crypt, where Petyr Baelish creeps up on us all. For a hot second there I thought that silhouette in the background was Ramsay or Myranda, ready to pounce on my poor, unsuspecting queen… but nah, just Petyr the Pedo. Anyway, he tells Sansa about some tourney at Harrenhal way back when, where Rhaegar Targaryen totally dissed his own wife in favor of Lyanna Stark, which is more or less what set off the war that ultimately ended Targaryen rule. Some major Helen of Troy stuff going on there.

Sansa and Petyr hang out in the catacombs, discussing his departure to King’s Landing on Cersei’s behest, Stannis’ imminent arrival and taking of Winterfell, and—one way or another—Sansa’s blossoming future as Wardeness of the North. Should Stannis fail to show up or fall in battle, Petyr is convinced that Sansa can take Ramsay and “make him [hers],” which I’d believe if it weren’t for that one pesky element that is Ramsay’s psychopathy. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Sansa cannot catch a break, can she? If Joffrey’s not verbally abusing her or having her assaulted, Petyr’s layin’ one on her and undressing her with his eyes…Sure, Joffrey’s dead and Petyr can be manipulated by a few well-placed feminine wiles, but Ramsay? It kills me that I don’t know where this one’s going.

With all this plotting amongst the dead, I kept looking over Sansa and Petyr’s shoulders to see if I could make out any other silhouettes in the background. I thought I might catch a glimpse of someone eavesdropping on all the smack talk, someone who’d tattle to the Boltons, but I got nada. Did you guys see anything, or do you think we’re in the clear?

In Meereen, Papa Bear Barristan tells Daenerys more stories about Rhaegar, all of which make him sound like the raddest dude. (Until you remember he was kind of a douchey husband, and a possible kidnapper and rapist. I guess that’s multifaceted for you. Regardless, I hope to learn more, maybe shed some brighter light on Rhaegar’s foggy character.) We’re also still trying to convince Daenerys to open the fighting pits, which at this point is like, come on, Daenerys Stormborn of the Endless Monikers, we saw the fighting pits in the trailer, might as well get a move on here.

Meanwhile, the Sons of the Harpy are at it even more fiercely than the religious zealots in King’s Landing. I’m fairly certain the prostitute from the first Unsullied’s murder is there, too, which begs the question…What’s her deal? Whatever the case may be, it’s Sons vs. Unsullied in a major bloodbath, complete with ringing bells, dramatic music, and the kick-ass appearance of Papa Bear Barristan, who’d just been out for a stroll when all hell broke loose.

The upside: We finally get to see Ser Barristan in his prime, battling his enemies in combat, stabbin’, slicin’, dicin’, and generally ballin’.

The downside: Ser Barristan gets on the business end of an enemy’s sword, prompting my visceral reaction that can be summarized thusly: NOOOO, PAPA BEAR!

Grey Worm saves him from getting his throat slit, but the fact remains that we all saw that blade gut our Papa Bear. I mean, maybe I’m wrong, but unfortunately I think it’s safe to say that we can chalk this up to another death I’m not getting over. And because D & D have more of a flair for the dramatic than they do basic human decency, the credits roll before I can even begin to process my grief.

How are my fellow Unsullied holding up? What’s next on Cooper and Darnell’s excellent adventure? Is Mace Tyrell a goner, and what hell will Olenna unleash when she learns of her grandson Loras’ imprisonment? What’s up with Melisandre’s Ygritte impression? And will Lancel live long enough to regret that face tattoo in his old age?

Remember – speculation is encouraged, spoilers aren’t! Please refrain from posting book spoilers here! Feel free to discuss the episode in the comments or Tweet me @kitmaj_, but don’t ruin any surprises for the viewers who haven’t read the books. Thanks, and see you next week!

Before you go, please join me in a moment of silence for our dearly departed Papa Bear, accompanied by the musical stylings of Whitney Houston.

• Published on 05/04/2015 at 12:22 AM CDT
• Last updated on 10/21/2016 at 1:05 PM CDT