Unsullied Recap—Game of Thrones, Episode 509—The Dance of Dragons

Spoiler note: “A girl says nothing. A girl keeps her mouth closed. No one hears.” -Girls, boys, and others alike, Jaqen H’ghar has spoken, so please remember: This recap is primarily for non-book readers (book fans can discuss the show here). If you’re a book reader, please avoid posting any spoilers here so as not to ruin the fun for those who don’t know what’s coming next. Thank you!

Well, as it turns out, Ramsay really did only need “20 good men.” That’s all it takes to further weaken Stannis’ army by burning the food supplies. Also, they set fire to a horse, which seems pretty excessive but, hey, that’s Ramsay for you, isn’t it? (Insert side-eye emoji here.)

Now in possibly the most dire of straits, Stannis commands Ser Davos to head back to Castle Black for supplies, an assignment that Davos reluctantly accepts, even after Stannis forbids him from taking Shireen back with him. Cue ominous music, because it’s clear that Stannis is up to something and he doesn’t want Davos around for it. But none of that stops Davos from having a heart-to-heart with Shireen, during which all I could muster was a lot of “Oh, no… Oooooh, nooo…” because if Game of Thrones has taught us anything, it’s that a heart-to-heart means that one of those hearts is about to stop beating.

But the fun doesn’t end there! While I hack out a few nervous laughs in a sorry attempt to alleviate my sense of foreboding, Stannis has his own heart-to-heart with his daughter. She wants to do nothing but help her father fulfill his destiny, at which point I am positively screaming because you have got to be kidding me with this. Stannis says “Forgive me,” and I’m guessing that entreaty is directed at his fanbase as much as Shireen. Ha, fat chance, Stannis—you are the Mannis no longer. A couple of weeks ago when I said that I didn’t think Stannis had it in him to say no to Melisandre, I was, regrettably, right: Shireen is marched to her sacrificial altar, and it’s even worse than I’d imagined. She told her father that she’d do anything to help, but what child expects that helping their parent will cost them their life? While Stannis’s steeliness is barely holding on and Selyse has a last-minute change of heart that compels her to be a good mother, it doesn’t matter and it’s too late. Shireen dies screaming for her parents to save her.

Yours truly had to take a little walk after that. While that’s not uncommon when I’m watching a particularly brutal episode of Game of Thrones—it’s certainly happened more than once this year alone—this time it really got me thinking about other aspects of this universe. Shireen’s death got my gears turning about the religions of Westeros/Essos, and how they’re all for shit. I mean, if the Lord of Light is a true god, he’s playing some Old Testament games with this whole child sacrifice thing. But maybe the Lord of Light isn’t the one true god his devotees claim him to be; maybe none of these mythical gods are. As both Syrio and Arya have said, perhaps Death really is the only god, one who takes on many forms so as to claim as many victims as possible. Maybe that’s who Arya’s new master, the Many-Faced God, truly is—Death in all his personas. And we can say “Not today” all we want, but eventually Death is gonna suck up all our beloved characters, all of whom will have to come to terms with the fact that they were wrong all along, because Life and Death are the only concepts we truly serve.

Just a not-quite-fully-formed thought of mine, but something to mull over while all these gods jostle about for power.

Down south in Dorne, the family drama is not quite so poignant, but nevertheless existent. Doran, Ellaria, Trystane, and Myrcella all meet in their fabulous Dornish living room to smooth things over with Jaime, because Doran is secretly Edwin Starr and thus his jam is “War.” It’s decided that Myrcella will return to King’s Landing on the king’s orders (more like Cersei’s, probably, since Tommen doesn’t actually do anything), and Trystane will accompany her to ensure the Lannister/Martell alliance. Ellaria is pissed, and Doran diplomatically threatens to kill her if she speaks out of turn again.

And then Ellaria is suddenly not pissed anymore. She swears allegiance to Doran in order to save her own neck (good move, girl), which at first I thought was a slick move so she could continue her vendetta against the Lannisters. But then she…has a little talk with Jaime in which she tells him that she doesn’t disapprove of his love for Cersei, that we want who we want and that’s the end of it, and that she knows Myrcella isn’t who she should be seeking vengeance against, because it wasn’t Myrcella who killed Oberyn. So, what, Ellaria just did a three-sixty and that whole Sand Snake storyline was pointless? That possibility is even more disappointing than the Sand Snakes in general. Speaking of, there’s a rather needless bit of mind games between two of the Sand Snakes before Bronn is released from his cell. It adds a little more flavor to their characters, but we’ll see if it actually comes to mean anything (although, at this point, I’ve given up on this attempt at plot). Also, I suspected that Bronn’s antidote would come at a price, but instead Areo Hotah just punches him as retribution for Bronn striking Trystane. So… Okay, then. It was kind of funny, but pointless. And did Tyene seriously give up the antidote in exchange for a compliment? Come ON.

Look, generally speaking, I don’t like to jump to conclusions before I have all the information I can possibly have. But I’ve made exceptions this season, and I’m going to make another one here. Right now it seems like the entire Dornish plotline has been given up on, and so again I reiterate my thought that the only reason it’s included is because Oberyn attracted a larger fanbase than expected. The showrunners expanded Dorne for Pedro Pascal’s sake, but Pedro Pascal’s character is dead and none of this works. My last and only hope is this: I’m getting a weird vibe from Trystane. Maybe it’s because my day job in retail has awarded me with a natural suspicion of teenage boys, but I don’t trust this smooth-talkin’ little prince. For all his sweet talk to Myrcella, he doesn’t look too jazzed about going to King’s Landing with her, and his general attitude this episode is somewhat shady. I’ll be the first to admit that maybe I’m grasping at straws here, but Trystane’s pleasure at seeing Bronn get sucker-punched was a new insight into his character that I don’t think should be ignored.

But on to further suspicions. At the Wall, Alliser Thorne looks totally POed that Jon has returned, physically unscathed and with a horde of wildlings in tow. Olly shows up to once again to give Jon the stink-eye, and I swear if this whole thing doesn’t end with Olly pulling a knife on his Lord Commander, I will stay out of Vegas because my betting game must be way off. Because honestly, every time Olly slithers on-screen, it’s to throw shade at Jon Snow’s allegiance to the wildlings, and the shots are so obvious that it’s frustrating to wait for Olly’s boiling point. Now, if it were just Olly, I might dismiss it, but there’s a fair amount of Night’s Watchmen who aren’t too keen on Jon. Let’s just cue that ominous music again, because I’ve got a bad feeling about next week.

In Braavos, Arya is out selling clams again, this time getting sexually harassed by some nameless schmoe (ew) along the way. I’m disappointed that she can’t knife the guy, but my disappointment gives way to excitement as Arya is deterred from her mission against the Thin Man by another, older target—Meryn Trant has arrived in Braavos. He catches Arya’s eye more than once, and it’s clear that he recognizes her to some extent, but he does nothing about it because he’s an imbecile and that suits me just fine. It suits Arya as well, since she follows him, eventually ending up at a brothel where Trant continues to dismiss each prostitute he’s presented with as “too old.” As if I couldn’t dislike Trant more, he disappears with who looks to be a prepubescent girl, and for the time being Arya must leave another name on her hit list unchecked. She returns to the House of Black and White, where she lies to Jaqen, claiming that the Thin Man wasn’t hungry so she couldn’t inconspicuously off him just yet.

It’s hard to tell whether or not Jaqen believes her. He cracks a joke—“Maybe that’s why the Thin Man is thin”—and dismisses Arya without punishing her, as is his custom when she’s lying. But he continues to watch her as if he knows something, so I have to wonder if he’s planting some test that she’s unaware of? I want her to pass so she can become the super rad assassin of my dreams, but I also want Meryn Trant dead at Arya’s hand. It seems unlikely that Arya can do both, as Jaqen has told her that she must shed Arya Stark to become “someone else” and eventually “no one,” but Trant’s death is “Arya’s” goal. Yet another conundrum that likely won’t be solved by this season’s end.

In Meereen, the long-debated fighting pit has been opened to a sold-out audience. While the first fight commences, there’s a lot of shit-talking between Daenerys, Daario, Tyrion, and Hizdahr zo Loraq. At some point I agreed with all of them, but none more so than when Hizdahr points out that Daenerys thinks everyone’s choices are wrong when those choices aren’t entirely to her liking. That’s precisely why I’m not convinced that Daenerys would make a good ruler—she’s too self-righteous, too convinced that she knows everything when really she knows very little.

But I digress. This little bit of shit-talking ends with the beginning of the second fight, in which we are graced with Handsomest Man On the Planet Ser Jorah. I might not know exactly what he’s after with Daenerys at this point, but I can still enjoy looking at him. Daenerys, meanwhile, isn’t enjoying the show half as much, as it’s clear she’s torn between Jorah’s betrayal and the fact that she cares too much for him to watch him die. But never fear—Jorah has greyscale and is probably bound for a much more tear-jerking fate, so for now he emerges victorious and straight-up throws a spear through a surprise Son of the Harpy creeping up on Daenerys (and, as my friend Sarah put it, his fans collectively chant, “What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man”).

Naturally, one surprise Son of the Harpy isn’t enough—there’s a pretty decent number of them, and they start slashing throats like the residents of Meereen are a bunch of teenagers on an ill-begotten camping trip. Hizdahr is killed in the fray, and Tyrion saves Missandei from a similar fate, meanwhile Jorah and Daenerys have a rather touching hand-holding moment that probably should have gotten them killed, but instead Dany and her crew make it to the middle of the fighting pit. Sons of the Harpy are pouring from any possible exit, and all seems lost until the miraculous (if poorly animated) Drogon flies into the picture. He gets his fair share of spears and is about to have a temper tantrum when Daenerys manages to calm him, mount him, and fly off into the Meereenese sunset. Never mind Missandei, Daario, Tyrion, and Jorah, all of whom watch in awe as their queen leaves them behind to fight for their lives. Cue credits.

Whoo. What an emotional rollercoaster.

How’s everyone holding up? Anybody need some smelling salts after Daenerys’s very fabulous but totally uncompassionate escape? What do you think Jaqen will have to say about Arya’s personal goals? Was Stannis’ sacrifice really be worth it, or is this the beginning of the end of the Baratheon’s claim to the throne? Is there something shady about Trystane, or am I fooling myself here? And was that entire Ellaria & the Pussycats plot really all for nothing?

Remember — speculation is encouraged, spoilers aren’t! Please refrain from posting book spoilers here! Feel free to discuss the episode in the comments or Tweet me @kitmaj_, but don’t ruin any surprises for the viewers who haven’t read the books. Thanks, and see you next week!

• Published on 06/08/2015 at 12:54 AM CDT
• Last updated on 06/08/2015 at 12:54 AM CDT