The Cultural Vacuum’s Game of Thrones Book Snob Glossary

There is a wonderful Tumblr account that goes by the name The Cultural Vacuum, and in this delightful blog, the writer has kept a Game of Thrones themed Book Snob Glossary, that upon reading, I found myself literally laughing out loud. You may know me as the WiCnet resident Book Purist, and I’ve not hidden my great displeasure at some of the changes from the pages of George R.R. Martin’s masterpiece, to HBO’s fantastic little show.

So as I perused the internet, as is my usual Sunday morning routine, I came across the Tumblr account and have been obsessively pouring over ever inch of its wonderfully satirical look at Game of Thrones whilst giggling like a twelve year old who just heard a dirty joke. You’ve now had a look inside my mind. You’re welcome.

The very first paragraph grabbed my attention, and the inner-chortling began:

This glossary will be necessary for discussing the fifth season of HBO’s Game of Thrones, which is loosely based on the three-paged summary of A Feast for Crows and A Dance with Dragons that one of David Benioff’s unpaid interns (his name is Steve) wrote the night before the first planning meeting.

Anytime the words “Three-paged summary” and unpaid intern named Steve is used, in regards to this season of Game of Thrones, I am instantly enthralled. You had me at Hello. The glossary is of course filled with a veritable plethora of amalgamated words like:

Cool-de-Sacs — which refers to battles with White Walkers and skeletons, scenes filmed in one of the most beautiful rooms ever, seeing an eighteen-year-old’s breasts while Bronn said funny things, having Bran and Jon almost run into each other, Brienne and the Hound fighting to the death, giving Yara Greyjoy some action, but not allowing her to influence the plot at all. In essence, the Cool-de-sac is a series of events that do not affect the plot too much, but it’s so freaking cool…you get the point.

The Gin Joint Effect — Of all the gin joints in all of Weisseroff (another fantastic word in the glossary), random characters will run into each other. We here at WiCnet also refer to this as the “Inn at the Crossroads Effect“. It refers to events like Brienne just happening across both Stark girls through no proactive effort on her part. The Sand Fakes and Larry (glossary words for Jaime and you guessed it, the Sand Snakes) and Bronn decide to go steal Myrcella at the exact same time. This all started from a direct scene in the books, when Lady Catelyn runs into Tyrion Lannister in the Inn at the Crossroads. Since then, everyone who is anyone, has met at the Inn at the Crossroads.

There’s also a list of names the Book Snob Glossary has come up with, to describe many of our favorite characters from Game of Thrones.

Carrol Lannister: The misunderstood and loving mother, who would do anything…literally anything for her children. She believes her first child shouldn’t count (her and Robert’s child who died of a fever as an infant), and she would even poison a son just because she thinks he could possibly come to harm. She’s been treated horribly by all the men in her life, and she has had to endure the worst kind of slut shaming. Poor, poor Carrol.

Larry Lannister: The second-oldest Lannister deserves our pity because he seems to have some kind of multiple personality disorder, or something. He’s very concerned about the consequences of speaking too openly about the twincest, but sometimes, man, he just wants to f*@k his sister on the nearest flat surface (See Joffrey’s funeral). Consent is optional (laughed more than I should have at this) in these situations. Poor Larry is kind of dense, but don’t worry, he has Carol to explain things to him.

Loras, the Knight of Fabulous: This man is gay. Isn’t that hilarious? Why aren’t you laughing? Are you a homophobe? Anyway, Loras is a very complex character…. he’s gay. And if you satisfy his need for D he will do anything for you, including spill all his family’s secrets because…. he’s gay.

BatFinger: BatFinger is a mysterious man. He has a voice like the Malboro Man and an accent that… morphs on a sliding scale between Lucky the Leprechaun and Captain Barbosa. He has the powers of teleportation and telepathy, as he knows about events three seconds after they happen and can magically appear wherever he’s needed. 

This is a hilarious description of Littlefinger, and absolutely spot on. Lord Baelish seemed to be thousands of miles away from King’s Landing when Cersei sent a raven for him, then the next day, he’s walking up the steps to the Red Keep. Petyr Baelish has super powers and we all know it.

There are plenty of other hilarious mashups, but this one, to me, takes the proverbial cake: Olly Chekhov: Gee, I wonder what this kid is gonna do. ( ͡° ͜ʖ  ͡  )    (The authors would like to take this opportunity to gloat. That is all) 

You can find much, much more hilarity at by visiting The Book Snob Glossary, which goes back farther than just Season 5. So sit back, let your hair down, and enjoy some good ole fashioned satire. And remember, it’s all in good fun…at the expense of David Benioff and Dan Weiss…but still fun, nonetheless.

• Published on 06/28/2015 at 1:55 PM CDT
• Last updated on 06/28/2015 at 1:55 PM CDT