Unsullied Recap—Game of Thrones, Episode 508—Hardhome

Spoiler note: “A girl says nothing. A girl keeps her mouth closed. No one hears.” -Girls, boys, and others alike, Jaqen H’ghar has spoken, so please remember: This recap is primarily for non-book readers (book fans can discuss the show here). If you’re a book reader, please avoid posting any spoilers here so as not to ruin the fun for those who don’t know what’s coming next. Thank you!

We open this week with Tyrion talking some much-needed sense into Daenerys. While she questions his usefulness to her, Tyrion points out that he’s essentially the missing cog in her machine—a connection to Westeros, because in order to rule a land, you have to know it. Daenerys may have a famed army and infamous dragons, but as Tyrion says, “Killing and politics aren’t always the same thing,” much like conquering and ruling aren’t. I know such philosophies are pointed out often enough, but I can never get enough of a well-reasoned argument.

Apparently satisfied that Tyrion is more useful alive than he is dead for the time being, Daenerys asks him what she should do with Ser Jorah. Tyrion gives what I thought to be a sort of roundabout answer; it’s a lot of “He betrayed you BUT he’s not that person anymore BUT he never trusted you enough to be honest BUT he’s totally in love with you BUT he had multiple chances to confess and didn’t BUT he’s devoted to you BUT…” You get it. Ultimately, Daenerys makes up her mind to once again exile Jorah without hearing him out. Which I can understand BUT at the same time, he had his fair share of opportunities to make good on his betrayal and just kill her BUT he didn’t. You know what, their whole relationship is a bit of a headache, but she could at least listen to what he has to say.

Things just aren’t coming up Jorah, are they? If Daenerys isn’t banishing him from her sight again, there’s always the greyscale to worry about.

Daenerys tells Tyrion that she’s not going to kill him—whomp, Peter Dinklage won’t be killed off the show, who’s surprised?—and instead takes him into her service as an adviser. His first piece of advice? Ditch the Iron Throne dream and aim for something that makes sense. House Targaryen is gone, and there are no houses who will support Daenerys’s claim to the throne. And here we get Daenerys’s “spokes on a wheel” bit we kept seeing in the Season 5 trailer—Daenerys is going to break the wheel of usurping power structures. After that? I don’t know, because Daenerys has always been more about action and less about what to do after that action has been taken. It’s why she can conquer lands and fry people she doesn’t like, which is really badass and all, but as I’ve been saying for awhile, what comes next? I like Daenerys well enough, and I tend to root for her until I start thinking critically about it. Bottom line is, I don’t think she’s going to sit on the Iron Throne. Maybe a slight attitude adjustment would help, but…I’m losing faith here.

Jorah isn’t, though, not that we could expect him to—he heads back to his buyer with the intention of fighting at “the great pit” in front of Daenerys. Okay, Handsomest Man on the Planet, you know I love you, but maybe you should pack it in. How many times do you have to be banished to get the hint? Or is it just the impending doom of greyscale that’s making you lay all your cards on the table? Either Jorah’s so deluded that Daenerys will take him back into her good graces, or he just wants a reconciliation before he croaks. Perish the thought, I know, but at this point I just have to accept that the people I love on this show are marked for death.

Fortunately, the ones I don’t love so much are getting a taste of their own medicine, too. While Cersei tries her hand at her old tricks—the coercion, the threats—that big ol’ septa who arrested her last week just beats on her and tells her to confess. Her only visitor is Maester Frankenstein, who drops in to tell Cersei that her Uncle Kevan is back, serving as Hand of the King, while that king mopes around his chambers. Okay, maybe this is harsh, but come on, Tommen—instead of grieving over your wife and mother’s respective imprisonments, disarm the Faith Militant, take their heads if you want, and set shit straight. I wouldn’t even mind the tiniest shred of Joffrey here, as long as after you stamp your foot and declare, “I am the KING,” you actually act like it.

Once again I have to say, I want to see Cersei get what’s coming to her, I really do. But I cannot stand that smug look on that septa broad’s face. It was one thing when Margaery was calling Cersei a “hateful bitch”—that was awesome, but watching Cersei suffer at the hands of people I hate just as much doesn’t give me any satisfaction whatsoever. Get Lady Olenna over here to dump Cersei’s water on the floor, that’ll do it, but right now this ain’t working for me. The whole thing reminds me of that scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix when Snape and Umbridge have their little head-to-head, and no one could decide who they wanted bested because you just hate them both so much.

Anyway. On to something I have no qualms with whatsoever: Arya is FINALLY sporting her bitchin’ new threads, along with her new identity as Lanna the oyster salesgirl. It’s not Girl Scout cookies, but she does pretty well for herself. She encounters someone henceforth known as the Thin Man, which sounds like a horror movie antagonist, and Jaqen instructs her to watch him. All we’ve seen of him so far is that he refused to accept a bet from a sailor, who wants to ensure his family’s comfort should he die on his next voyage. Busted Kimmy Gibbler tells Jaqen that Arya isn’t ready for this spy business, but Jaqen’s all, “It’s all the same to the Many-Faced God,” whatever that means. I’m curious as to what exactly this god’s followers think their holy duties are, because so far killing people seems to be it. I’m jonesin’ for a little more info here, but the Faceless Men are quite the mysterious bunch so the intrigue will probably last through next season.

Back across the Narrow Sea and up at Winterfell, Sansa’s got her cold attitude to match the oncoming winter. She once again confronts Theon, who finally breaks under her accusations and tells her that he didn’t kill Bran and Rickon, but rather two farm boys, after the younger Starks escaped. I actually said “Thank GOD” out loud at this point. Sansa has been alone too long—she has felt alone too long. The Starks are wolves, and wolves function as a pack; the realization that she’s not without her family is exactly what Sansa needs to keep fighting. It’s a ray of hope she hasn’t had since Robb and Catelyn were slaughtered, and it’s going to revitalize her survival instincts.

Meanwhile at Winterfell, Roose Bolton isn’t worried about Stannis’s impending siege, as he claims that the castle can withstand any force. All the same, Ramsay suggests that they hit first (Ramsay wants to engage in violence, go figure), and all he needs is twenty men to do the job. Okay, Ramsay, that’s fine, but for god’s sake, let Sansa use that bung reamer on you before you go get yourself killed by someone else.

At the Wall, Olly is still angst-ridden about the wildlings, so once again we’re treated to the “We’ve been fighting them for years, but wildlings are people, too” speech. And once again Sam points out that the White Walkers are coming, and at this point you have to put your issues with living people aside so you can all band together to fight the dead ones. Olly is still creeping me out and all these age-old feud debates are really losing their flavor, so moving on.

Jon and his crew roll up to Hardhome, where Tormund kills a guy almost immediately because Tormund doesn’t have time for your sass. (I also must assume that since every wildling ever refers to Jon as a “pretty Crow,” everyone wants a piece of Ned Stark’s bastard.) After Tormund’s laid down the law, the elders gather to discuss the reluctant alliance with the Night’s Watch that Jon is proposing. The central debaters are some guy and this super rad chick who vaguely resembles Katie Matlin on Degrassi, and the whole discussion is a pretty standard speech about joining forces for the greater good, and can be summed up in the central debaters’ final dialogue:

Some Guy: “My ancestors would spit on me if I broke bread with a Crow.”
Super Rad Katie Matlin: “So would mine but fuck ‘em, they’re dead.”

Pretty much how I feel about this whole “We have to stay enemies because that’s the way it’s always been” point of view. The wildlings are split between yay and nay, and while those who voted on the former are being loaded onto boats bound for the Wall, a general sense of foreboding falls upon the scene. The dogs start barking, so you know it’s about to go down. The Hardhome residents know well enough, and they shut the gate against a sudden onslaught of White Walkers, who manage to bust through because they’re supernatural and straight outta a horror flick. I mean, they punch through the gate so that their hands can grab at people—how much more Jack Torrance can you get?

The battle itself is pretty bangin’, and considering all the White Walker effects, I can see why it took three weeks to film. There’s a lot of blood, a lot of quick camera cuts, and at one point a lot of Jon spinning around so much that it seems unwise, but it ends up working for him. Naturally, since I love her, Wildling Katie Matlin gets taken down by the children of the corn, which would be embarrassing if those children didn’t look like they’d just come straight up from hell.

Jon gets into it with who I at first suspected to be Big Daddy White Walker, since his entrance is so dramatic and he’s wearing sweet armor and has a beard. There’s an awesome audio effect that muffles all the noise around them, as though you’re hearing the scene from Jon’s own ears after he’s been thrown around and so his hearing’s a little out of whack. I really geeked out over that one. Anyway, Jon ends up slicing Big Daddy White Walker into dust, only to reveal that he is not, in fact, the head honcho, because the real MVP’s watching over the battle from a safe distance. (He appears less impressive to me, probably because he’s not rocking the imperial beard.) He hones in on Jon like he finds the Lord Commander interesting, or maybe he wants a piece of that pretty Crow, too.

The remaining Night’s Watchmen, wildlings, and a giant end up making a run for it. While they’re bobbing off in their boats, the Real MVP heads out to the edge of the dock and raises his arms like he’s about to praise Jesus, but instead he raises all the dead wildlings to add to his own army, all the while staring Jon down in that classic “Come at me, bro” fashion. Again, the audio effects are to die for, as all is quiet save the wind and lapping waves. So deliciously eerie, especially when the credits roll and all you hear is that continued sound of the sea. Total shivers, and a fantastic way to end an epic battle scene.

What did you guys think? Did you dig that battle scene? Are you satisfied with Cersei’s downfall so far? What’s next for formerly lone wolf Sansa, and how much longer until Reek reverts to Theon for good? What’s Jorah got up his sleeve besides more greyscale? Will Daenerys triumph, or fall like so many of her ancestors did? Will Arya keep selling her oysters, use that little possibly-poison bottle Jaqen gave her, or is she gonna take Needle out for another ride?

Remember — speculation is encouraged, spoilers aren’t! Please refrain from posting book spoilers here! Feel free to discuss the episode in the comments or Tweet me @kitmaj_, but don’t ruin any surprises for the viewers who haven’t read the books. Thanks, and see you next week!

• Published on 06/01/2015 at 12:50 AM CDT
• Last updated on 06/01/2015 at 1:04 AM CDT