Razor’s Way Too Early Predictions for Game of Thrones Season 6
Warning: this post contains spoilers for A Feast for Crows and A Dance with Dragons.
You’ve probably seen it before, especially if you’re any kind of sports fan. A particular sport’s season is over, and members of the press begin to cobble together their way-too-early rankings and predictions for the next season. So, in that vein of thinking, I’ve decided to use my not-at-all expert analysis to predict some major events that are probably not going to happen, but I hope they will, on Game of Thrones Season 6.
Jon Snow, the Wall and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day:
Look, there’s just no way around it: our favorite bastard is dead and gone. His hair products are probably being passed around the Night’s Watch locker room, Olly has stolen Longclaw and caressing it every night while whispering “My precious.” Meanwhile, Sam and Gilly have left the Shire Wall for Oldtown so Sam can become a proper wizard, and for all we know Ghost is snuggled up next to his favorite chew toy in the back of their wagon, since he apparently couldn’t be bothered to help Jon Snow in this moment of need. So what’ll happen at the Wall come next year?
A). Well, I predict that Melisandre will resurrect Jon Snow as Jon Stark, a new man released from his vows to the Night’s Watch. Brought back to life, he’ll travel to Winterfell to exact some sort of Lord Stoneheart-type of revenge. Either that, or he’s really never, ever, ever coming back…it’s like a bad Taylor Swift song and I just can’t get it out of my head.
B). Melisandre had sex with Jon right before he dies, and uses his seed to create a brand new smoke baby. We know that Jack Bender, of Lost fame, will be directing Episodes 5 and 6 next season, so it’s blatantly obvious what will happen. Mel and Jon’s smoke baby grows up into a Smoke Monster and kills everyone on the island at the Wall, allowing the White Walkers to bring the Wall crashing down, and the Smoke Monster becomes the Night’s King’s super weapon. Westeros is so screwed.
C). The Wall is based on the biblical city of Jericho, who’s famously thick walls were brought down by the blaring of horns. No, I don’t think George R.R. Martin based his Wall on the walls of Jericho, but you get the correlation here. I can realistically see the Night’s King standing outside the main gate of the Wall at Castle Black, blowing on a horn (the previously unmentioned Horn of Joramun/Horn of Winter which is prophesied to have the power to bring down the Wall), and as Olly stands atop it, smugly holding his precious, it begins to crumble beneath his feet and he is horribly and painfully crushed by tons of falling ice.
Lions and Roses and Hype, oh my!
You can’t have a season of Game of Thrones without paying some attention to the muddled mess that is King’s Landing. By the end of Season 5, Cersei was humiliated beyond repair. She was left naked and bleeding in front of the entire populace, her mane shorn. Much like Aslan in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, the lioness of House Lannister had lost any power she may have previously possessed. Can she regain her tenuous hold on the crown?
A.) Frankengregor is sure to have a part to play in any possible resurgence that Cersei is planning. There’s still the matter of her trial, and if the show follows the books at all (insert snarky comment here), Cersei will have to name a champion to defend her in her trial by combat, and we already know who that’s going to be: the eight-foot tall diesel truck of a man known in the books as Ser Robert Strong, but who we suspect is the revivified zombie version of Ser Gregor “the Mountain” Clegane. If this happens, the Faith must also choose a champion, and this is where the hype train pulls out of the station. According to a popular fan theory, Sander “the Hound” Clegane did not in fact die after Arya abandoned him to head to the Vale, but was in fact nursed back to health by members of the Faith. Hopefully, he’ll return from certain death as a silent brother, and face off with Frankengregor in an epic battle that can only be described in one mind-blowing, made-up word—Cleganebowl.
B.) Uncle Kevan Lannister has returned to help sort things out, and hopefully to make Tommen stop being such a little emo bitch. After all, Tommen will need to man up if he wants to get his wife out of prison. But what if Kevan’s stabilization of the realm is not what a certain master of chaos has planned?
In A Dance with Dragons, Varys makes a surprise return toward the end of the book and kills Kevan, the better to throw the realm into chaos prior to a Targaryen invasion. On the show, Varys is in Meereen, but Littlefinger is around, and I predict he’ll do in ol’ Uncle Kev. And then, just before Kevan draws his last breath, a white raven from the Citadel will land on his windowsill as the first snows begin to fall on King’s Landing.
C.) We also know that a certain hard-ass dad who carries a Valyrian steel sword will be making an appearance in Season 6. This is more than likely Randyll Tarly, Sam’s dickhead dad. In the books, Lord Mace Tyrell calls his banners to surround King’s Landing and Lord Tarly is given a seat on the Small Council. One assumes this is all happening just in case the High Sparrow gets any ideas about sentencing Margaery—or Loras, on the show—to death. I predict that Mace Tyrell will command Randyll Tarly to ensure the safety of both Tyrell children, and then to teach Tommen how to be a man.
The North Remembers…we hope.
When last we saw Sansa and Theon, they had jumped from the walls of Winterfell into a soft and pillowy pile of deep snow that in now way will cause them to break any bones or become paraplegic. Seriously though, the North is in a state of chaos. The self-proclaimed savior of the kingdom, Stannis, is probably dead…okay, hes really dead, and the Boltons retain their hold on the title of Wardens of the North. So how does this all get resolved in Season 6?
A.) Littlefinger and Yohn Royce lead an army of the Knights of the Vale to Winterfell. Roose Bolton, thinking he has a solidified alliance with Baelish, opens his gates and then proceeds to get REKT. Everyone from House Bolton dies except Roose and Ramsay. Roose is clearly a vampire and therefore immortal—he turns into a bat and flies away before a final blow can be struck. Ramsay takes off his shirt, gathers 20 good men, and proceeds to carve his way out of Winterfell before running home to the Dreadfort where he lives out his days raping and hunting girls and flaying old women.
B.) Brienne and Pod find Sansa and Theon, who then run into Davos, who then decides to go look for Rickon, Shaggydog, and Osha, and then something magical happens. The greatest spinoff in television history is created—Friends: Westeros. On a more serious note, I do think that Brienne and Pod will somehow cross paths with Sansa and Theon. Theon recounts the story that Sansa’s brothers are still alive, and Brienne, who is the female Ned Stark, decides to amend her oath to Lady Stoneheart Catelyn and the group goes looking for Rickon who is rumored to be at Last Hearth, the seat of House Umber.
C.) Finally, Wyman Manderly, Lord of White Harbor, Warden of the White Knife, Shield of the Faith, Defender of the Dispossessed, Lord Marshal of the Mander, Knight of the Order of the Green Hand, and Lord too Fat to Sit a Horse will make an appearance on Game of Thrones, and the Grand Northern Conspiracy will be put into motion. That, or Melisandre’s Smoke Monster will kill everyone.
Dorne falls into the sea, never to be seen or heard from again.
A). And all God’s people said…AMEN!
Finally, Dragons make terrible pets.
A). In Essos, Dany is either about to become the sex slave of whatever Khal is in charge of the Dothraki horde that has surrounded her in the Season 5 finale, or Drogon will swoop down off his cat tower, eat a few horses, roast some dudes alive, and the Dothraki will bow to her as the true Mother of Dragons.
B). Meanwhile, Joramir and Daargolas will find the ring Dany consipicuously dropped in the tall grass…in the middle of nowhere. This will help the newly formed two-man fellowship of the ring to find Dany, and they will finally make their way to Westeros and the Iron Throne.
C). Tyrion and Varys rule Meereen like f#*king bosses, and the city sees a time of prosperity the likes of which it has never known. The Harpy is abolished, and in its place, the God of Tits and Wine is worshiped.
D). Sadly, Dany’s other dragons are still locked away, and I feel like the Sons of the Harpy will try and kill them. BUT, a hero will rise and release the dragons from their bondage, allowing them to fly free and make their nests in the pyramids of Meereen, killing and eating entire families in the process. But who will break their chains? Why, Trystane Martell of course. After being in on the plot to murder-kiss Myrcella, his father’s personal guards, who are on the ship as it was leaving Dorne, subdue Jaime and Bonn, turn the boat around, and go back home to Doran.
Dr. Julian Bashir give his “Fire and Blood” speech, and sends his son across the Narrow Sea in order to marry Dany and unite Dorne and House Targaryen. Too bad that Dorne fell into the sea. Anyway, not knowing the fate of his homeland, Trystane arrives at Meereen to wine and dine Daenerys, only to find that she’s not there. Tyrion, ever the gracious host, shows Tyrstane where the other dragons are being held. Later, the only surviving Dornishman (you know because Dorne fell into the sea) creeps back to the vaults where Viserion and Rhaegal are being held. Feeling supremely confident that he can tame one or both of them, Trystane breaks their chains and demands a ride. Rhaegal and Viserion look at each other, shrug their shoulders, then consume the heir of House Martell in dragon fire…his last word is “Oh.”
And those are my way-too-early predictions for Game of Thrones Season 6. Of course, none of this will probably happen, but hey, this is what we do when there’s almost an entire year until next season. What are some of your predictions? Let’s discuss them in the comments below.
Spoiler Alert!
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